{ someday we will }

So many things happen in life that make us automatically question, "Why?". Sometimes the answer is clear to us right away, sometimes it takes what seems like forever for the answer to our question to be revealed. There are many reasons for using that little one word question. Children often use it to question their parents when they are given a command, adults often use it when having been given a command too... But, as we go through life we find that we ask "Why?" a lot more than just for little things. I many times in my teenage years have asked that little question. Sometimes we don't understand what is going on in our lives we question. We wonder why we are going through the trial we are going through, and we wonder when it is going to end. There are many things I have already seen when going through the trial our family has been given. Even though some of them are just little things... I realize that there was a reason they happened when they did.

I remember the night mom told me they thought dad had Leukemia. I remember the horrible sharp pain in my chest, and the way my knees felt weak. I knew what that word meant, and it immediately brought tears to my eyes. Fear filled me in that moment and I immediately asked the question, "Why?", because I did not understand. All I could associate that word with at the moment was death, because that was all I knew about that word. The word cancer is a scary word. I never knew how scary it was until that night. So many things ran through my head, but over and over again the question "Why?" played like a scratched CD.

The first time I talked to daddy since he had first gone into the hospital he called the house in a panic. He needed to know where mom was, and I remember the weak sound of his voice as he started to cry. It shattered my heart to hear the strong, brave man I called 'daddy' sound so weak and broken. I'll never forget that feeling. He might not know it, but my dad is truly my hero. We've had our ups and downs, but he will always be the most brave and loving man I have ever known.

As weeks went on things got easier to understand. Mom explained to us what Leukemia was, what type daddy had, and that they were going to try as hard as they could to cure it. I still don't understand it all, and it is still scary, but I understand enough to not be as scared as I was in the beginning.

Since dad has been home since May we have gotten used to him being here all the time. We have grown closer as a family in these past 6 months, and we have grown closer to the Lord. At least, I have. I have grown in so many ways. For the longest time I wouldn't let the kids go outside while mom and dad weren't home... Which sounds stupid, but I have always been more on the fearful side. One warm day I had this utter and complete peace wash over me after spending time in prayer, asking the Lord to remove the fear from me, and to calm my anxious heart. I struggled a bit with trusting the Lord when it comes to timing, and when things were going to happen. I was an anxious person for quite some time, and it was something I had to work on. As I have been seeing the Lord's perfect timing in so many ways it has calmed my anxiousness, and taught me to wait on Him more and more. He knows every little detail, and how every little thing will play out. So, I handed everything completely over to Him, and I don't have to worry about what the future holds. I'm not saying I don't worry anymore, I still do. It's just that I know I don't have to worry, because the battle belongs to the Lord.

And hey, can I just point out the fact that I'm getting my license? That never even crossed my mind last year at any point. There are several reasons for that. One was that I didn't have the money to pay for driver's education. Secondly, I didn't have a vehicle to drive, and daddy took the car to work every day. So, there wouldn't have been any sense in having my license if I couldn't even drive. This year I have a reason to drive. Daddy won't be able to drive, so I will be doing all of the driving I can once I have my license.

There are other reasons too, I got to know some people a lot better than I had known them. Having people drive us to and from church has been a blessing, and has also brought good, Godly friends along too that I know we can count on.

I guess what I'm saying in a way is that... We don't understand it all, but someday we will. Even if it's by little things, and the bits and pieces, someday we will understand the reason for all of this.

As for now we keep serving, smiling, enjoying the little things, learning more and more that life is a beautiful gift, and trusting our Lord and Savior with every aspect of our lives.

Everyday might not be good, but there is something good in every day.

In Christian love,

P.S. I apologize for the lengthiness of this post. I just had a lot to say, and so I said it.