{ " time is priceless. " }

I was able to have a wonderful chat with a lady at church who is very dear to my heart. We were talking about how amazing it is that the time has gone by so fast this past year.

 Dad is almost at day 100 post transplant... and it has been 10 months since his diagnosis of Leukemia. I can't even believe that. I feel like it was just yesterday that mom told me to call Mrs. Kinney, because she was calling 911 when she couldn't wake daddy up. It was absolutely terrifying. I remember it all clear as day. I don't think I've ever tried so hard to pretend I wasn't terrified. I stayed in my room with Abigail and Truman, quietly packing as they played as if nothing was happening. Truman noticed the police officer at some point and we talked about police officers being good people, and that they were here to help daddy. They weren't here to hurt anyone, and he was going to help us out. I can still feel the fear that was welling up in my heart, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away when I remember that night. Amelia and Kyle came as soon as mom and the EMTs were heading out the door with dad. They stayed with us for a little bit until the Kinney kids arrived to pick us up. Pastor Kinney was on his way to meet mom at the hospital, and Mrs. Kinney was waiting for us at their house. The ride to their house was somewhat torturous. I held myself together for as long as I could, before at their home, in the bathroom, I finally broke. I was scared. I don't think I had ever been that scared in my life. It had taken all of my being not to burst into tears as soon as we arrived at their house, or as soon as I got in the car for that matter. I couldn't sleep that night, but I don't think anyone could. When mom and Pastor Kinney returned to the house at about 3:00AM I had only been sleeping for a short time. I switched beds, and headed into Alyssa's room. I was so tired I didn't have the energy to be afraid. I barely had the energy to cry. So I prayed. I remember silently crying out to the Lord, pleading to Him, begging Him to let me keep my daddy longer.

The next day was long, but we made the best of it. Everyone had brought their school to the Kinney's house, so all of the kids were schooling. Alyssa had the little girl she babysat over, so Truman and Abigail were preoccupied with her. We had Prayer Meeting that night, and I struggled to get through the evening. When we arrived at the Kinney's after Prayer Meeting mom told me about the fact that the doctors suspected dad had Leukemia. All I had known about Leukemia was the movie, A Walk To Remember in which the girl passes away in the end (sorry for the spoiler). So having that thought in my mind I thought that was all that was going to happen.

Praise the Lord that's not always the case, and I have my daddy becoming stronger with each passing day.

Through these months I have learned more about life that I had ever known. I not only learned about Leukemia, and physical life, but I also learned that life is truly beautiful. I don't think I had a real appreciation for life. I think I just lived it. When you're young you don't really think about time. You just live. Then all of a sudden you grow up (or grow older in my case ;)), and time is just the blink of an eye. Maybe some days feel long, but when you look back and 10 months have gone by, in a flash... You realize in reality the days were short. I have watched my family grow, and felt myself grow.

The fact that time goes by so quickly should cause us to want to truly live, and live right. We should not just want to live however we want. We should want to give our whole being to the Lord, and trust Him with every aspect of our lives. Sometimes we wish we could have yesterday back, and today seems to slip away faster than we can grab a hold of it. But, tomorrow is brand new. Every breath we breathe is a gift so don't waste it. God is the one who supplies our every breath, supports our every step, and keeps our heart beating. We need to remember that, and in turn give our lives back to Him, because He so mercifully gives them to us. You wouldn't just throw away a beautifully wrapped gift from a best friend, so why would you want to throw away the life the Almighty Creator designed especially for you?

Looking back on this year made me realize how quickly time goes by, and that life is truly just a vapor. We need to live for Jesus while we have the chance to live. Don't hold back in proclaiming His name, and telling people what He has done in your life. He's still allowing us to breathe for a reason, and that is to proclaim His great name.

Life is beautiful, so enjoy every moment!

{ " my friend, you are never alone. " }

This post is for a friend who is very near and dear to my heart.

Sometimes in times in our lives we feel lost, we feel lonely, and we feel broken hearted. Sometimes we feel completely alone, as if no one in the world is on our side. At times it seems like we don't fit in, and we are part of a totally different planet. No one seems to understand how we are feeling, or why we keep our heartaches to ourselves. But, we do. We do it all for a reason, and it stinks to have that feeling... that lonely feeling that settles in our hearts. Sometimes we are put somewhere we don't quite understand, we're given trials we don't really want to bear. Sometimes things seem like they're falling apart, and everything seems to change in the blink of an eye. We once again get that lonely feeling, like no one understands. Maybe no one does, maybe our heartache is something no one we know has ever experienced before. It might be something we never want anyone else to feel, no one wants to feel lonely, and no one ever should. Even though we're surrounded by people, we still have that lonely ache in our tender, humanly hearts. It hurts. But, sometimes feelings lead us astray, and they aren't true.

Guess what... We're not alone. We are never alone. We have the greatest, most powerful, most loving Friend anyone could ever ask for. There is no one on earth who can understand us like this Friend. That Friend is our perfect, all knowing God. He loves us beyond measure, and is the only one who can fully understand the pain that we've been feeling. He made certain things in our lives seem as if they were falling apart, but He is building something incredible with those pieces. He is drawing us closer to Himself with every heartache, every trial. Through our loneliness we cling to the One who is strong in our weakness, and who loves us no matter how much we feel like no one does. Feelings are not always true, but God is always true. He is always there, and always does what is right.

Just remember, even though you might feel alone, you're not. You're never ever alone. There is always that Friend who hears your every cry, knows your every heartache, and loves you beyond measure. He has a perfect plan for your life, and though it may take a while to figure it out... You will. Just hang on to the One who will hold you beneath His wings, and keep you in the shelter of His love.

{ " His Pain, Should Have Been Mine " }

I was able to attend the Women of Faith conference with a group of ladies this weekend, and I had a great time. I was completely overwhelmed by the thousands of ladies that were there, but at the same time I was astonished. I don't always remember that there are so many Christians around us! I probably walk by women (and men) in the store all the time that are believers, and we just don't know it.

At the end of the day I was exhausted, but I enjoyed spending time with the ladies, and having good Godly fellowship. The closed the day with the last session that was all about the life of Jesus. They showed some clips from the television series, The Bible, then some of the women read some scripture to go along with each scene. So, they started out with the scene of Jesus' birth, then followed with him raising Lazarus from the dead. Next came the crucifixion scene. Hearing about the crucifixion of Christ is hard. But, it should be, shouldn't it? I wanted to close my eyes during this scene, and plug my ears, ignoring it when He struggled to carry the cross, and when they beat Him, and He cried out in agony it echoed in my ears. It was graphic, it was realistic, and it was so painful to see. I felt my heart breaking as I watched, something I had never seen laid out before me. I had read, and heard about His crucifixion, but I had never seen it like this, right before my eyes. All of those lashes, all of that humiliation, all of that pain was meant for me. It hit me like a bullet, straight into my heart. I couldn't stop the tears, I couldn't stop the way my throat was filled with sobs, or the way my heart ached mercilessly. I felt this conviction wash over me as I was reminded once again that He shed His innocent blood for me. He died on that tree, for me. He willingly gave His life, and lived on earth being rejected, being despised, and being humiliated on that tree, for me. Jesus paid it all, and I owe everything to Him. He took that crown of thorns, He took the beating, He took those three wicked nails... and He took them all for me. He took them to give me the most incredible gift anyone could ever give. He took so much suffering to give me life.  He did His Father's will, and He took my punishment upon Himself, when I am sinner who deserves nothing but hell. I fail Him every day, and everyday He loves me despite my sin. He forgives me, He pours His mercy out upon me, and He carries me when I'm weak. He loves me, and He loved me so much that He gave His life for me. We can never be thankful enough for this gift.
My perfect all powerful Lord and Savior, died for imperfect little me. He died for a wretch like me.

"26 Then he released Barabbas to them; and when he had scourged Jesus, he delivered Him to be crucified.

27 Then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole garrison around Him. 28 And they stripped Him and put a scarlet robe on Him. 29 When they had twisted a crown of thorns, they put it on His head, and a reed in His right hand. And they bowed the knee before Him and mocked Him, saying, “Hail, King of the Jews!” 30 Then they spat on Him, and took the reed and struck Him on the head. 31 And when they had mocked Him, they took the robe off Him, put His own clothes on Him, and led Him away to be crucified.

32 Now as they came out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name. Him they compelled to bear His cross. 33 And when they had come to a place called Golgotha, that is to say, Place of a Skull,34 they gave Him sour wine mingled with gall to drink. But when He had tasted it, He would not drink.

35 Then they crucified Him, and divided His garments, casting lots, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet: “They divided My garments among them, And for My clothing they cast lots.'" -- Matthew 27:26 - 35

"When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, 'It is finished:' and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost." -- John 19:30

But, He didn't stay dead. The next scene was when Mary found the empty tomb. At that scene tears of joy flowed from my eyes, because He conquered the grave for me. He rose again on the third day, just as He said. Isn't it amazing? The perfect Lord of Heaven loved you enough to die for you.

"But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre. And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain. And they say unto her, 'Woman why weepest thou?' She saith unto them, because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him. And when she had thus said, she turned and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus. Jesus saith unto her, 'Woman, why weepest thou?' She supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have carried him away, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away. Jesus saith unto her, 'Mary.', She turned herself and saith unto him 'Rabboni;" which is to say, Teacher. Jesus saith unto her, "Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my breathern and say unto them, I ascend unto my father, and your father; and to my God, and your God." -- John 20:11 - 18

Knowing this should motivate us even more to live for Him with every single ounce of our being. He made Himself a ransom for us, so we should seek to serve Him in every way possible.

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." -- Mark 10:45 

{ " a real life hero. " }

Heroes aren't always what you see in Disney movies. In fact, that is an unrealistic interpretation of heroes. I know a real hero... that hero is my dad.

I can honestly say that my dad is the best father I have ever met. (I was going to say, "best father I have ever had"... but, that wouldn't have done him any justice.) Sure, he has made mistakes, but hasn't everyone? No, he's not perfect, but... is anyone perfect? There has never been a moment in my life that I can remember when my dad gave up on providing for his family, or showing his family his love. He has gone through many trials, or interruptions, throughout the more recent years, trials that I recall him going through. Like having a seizure in late 2010, and being out of work for a while, then losing his oldest son in November of 2010, then losing his own dad in January of 2011.

This year has by far been the longest of those trials, and the largest of interruptions. Throughout his pain, and suffering I have never heard my dad once question God. Maybe he questioned His timing (don't we all sometimes?), but he never questioned God Himself. I will say right now that my daddy is the strongest man I know. Throughout this last year I have seen him go through things that most people would lose hope after. I have seen him sick, I have seen him healthy, I have seen him happy, and I have seen him sad. Going to visit him in the hospital during chemo treatments was so hard for me, because I wasn't used to seeing him like that... weak, and fragile looking. I was used to seeing my healthy, full-of-life-dad, who always had a smile on his face, and was always cracking a joke. It broke my heart to see the strongest man I knew, the man I loved so very much, look weak, and to know he was suffering.

But let me tell you something, despite being sick, being weak, and being afraid, he never gave up. It would be so easy to give up in a situation like that, to be told you have Leukemia, and just to decide it was the end of your life. It would be so simple to just throw everything away and say you were done. But, he never did. He never, ever gave up, and I know he never will. No matter how hard things get, and how foggy the future may seem... he will always keep pushing forward, and he will always keep trusting in our Almighty God. Even when he was weak, he was still strong for all of us. He just kept pressing on, and I know he's not going to stop.

We don't know what's on the road ahead of us, but I know that my daddy is never going to stop until he gets where he's supposed to be.

Just so you know dad, you're my hero, and I hope someday when I may go through trials like yours, I remain strong, and keep my eyes fixed upon Jesus, like you do. And, that I never give up.

{ " the dark, before the morning. " }

Everyone knows what pain feels like. Whether that pain is mental, or physical pain, we all know what it feels like. Actually, we all know what physical, and mental pain feel like. Even the youngest child can experience physical, and emotional pain. Sometimes we don't always understand why we feel pain. Sure, if you slam your head against the top bunk of your bunk bed (which I do far too often) you will not wonder why your head is then pounding. I mean emotional, or mental pain. Sometimes we just don't  understand why that pain is there. I have had this ache in my heart at times in my life, that I wonder why it's there. This pain that seems to just linger, and sometimes it gets worse, sometimes it fades away. It always seems to show up at the worst of times. Sometimes it's that ache that causes you to feel hollow, and completely alone even though you're in a crowded room. It's the way you have to hold back tears, and you're just silently hoping someone will see the pain behind your smile. That is a pain that you wonder why you ever have to feel. I guess it's human to wonder why we feel pain at all, but without feeling pain, we wouldn't know what joy feels like.

You know how after night time, there is always day time? Even if the sun isn't out, there is light. After the dark, comes the light. The light might not be bright right away, but it comes. The pain that we feel, as Christians, can't compare to the joy that will come in the future. So, every time you feel an overwhelming pain, remind yourself that it doesn't last forever. Every storm runs out of rain, night eventually turns into day, and God knows exactly what He's doing. God has a reason for giving us painful situations in life, and allowing us to experience things that cause us heartache. He has a reason for this, His reason is to strengthen us, and to draw us closer to Himself. Pour your burdens out to Him, tell Him you're hurting, and why, even though He already knows. Even if others might think the reason your heart is aching is "silly" or senseless. He understands all of our pain, and knows what heartache feels like too. He won't just brush us aside like we don't matter, and leave us feeling lonely. He will reveal to us the reason for our heartache, it might take awhile, but someday we'll know the reason.

So, if you're overwhelmed with emotional or physical pain, just hang on there's always dark before the morning.


"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." -- Romans 8:18

In Christian love,

{ " three years is only a heartbeat " }

I was able to visit someone very special on Monday, and I enjoyed every minute of my visit.

October 14, 2013

I contacted Jack about visiting Blessings Farm to have my graduation photos taken with Trixie. I figured it was about time to update the photos I have of myself with her from about eight years ago.

December 2005

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ride there felt so much longer than it ever had, but maybe it was because I was mulling over memories, and wondering what I may have missed over the last three years. 

When we arrived I noted two new horses in the upper paddock, and another little "shelter" for them too. The walk down to the barn is now paved, so it doesn't have to be a walk, but could be a drive now. (That walk is still a killer though.) They expanded the lower paddock, and just about doubled it. I didn't notice that at first, but when I went to found Trixie I realized I had to search for her through the woods! Anyways, the barn was just about the same. Trixie's tack is still in the same place in the tack room, and her stall is still the same stall. As I headed out to find Trixie out in the, now massive, paddock I was followed by a Biscuit, who trailed behind me almost the whole way. I was pleasantly surprised with the fact that my absolute favorite crazy animal Juice is still there, and was just as frisky as I had remembered. When I greeted him he was kind enough to butt me in the stomach and then just continue eating like nothing had ever happened. He was always so polite. *eyeroll* This was when I realized the paddock seemed to go on for days, and I had to practically hike through the woods to locate Trixie. I was greeted by sweet old Abi, before I finally found Trixie. Upon finding her I admit to having tears prick in my eyes, but I told myself it would be silly to cry. She came to me when I called her name, and she rested her head against my chest, just like she used to when I was little. I gave her a nice long hug, before walking her back to the barn. I didn't really have to lead her, she just followed. I'm aware that she probably follows just about everyone, but the fact that she was there following me again just like she used to, warmed my heart. I spent a good amount of time grooming her, while Laura played around with my camera. 

At first I had this fear that I wouldn't remember how to do anything... But it was all so natural. I knew which brushes to use, where to use them, how to pick up the feet. Everything was like I had never stopped doing it.

I brought her into the arena for some photos, but we decided not to take any in there. Before we went back into the paddock I ran around with her for a little while. It was so much fun, but reminded me that I'm extremely out of shape. 

After taking all of our photos I let her go off to munch some more, and I didn't feel sad leaving. I felt at ease, because I'm not planning on staying away for three years again. I can't wait to spend more time with her, and make up for the time lost. I realized that three years was only a heartbeat...

I was so thankful to be welcomed back with open arms, and open barn doors. 

I'm just going to enjoy every moment I get to spend with her, and keep being thankful for all I am blessed with. 

Enjoy the little things (and the big things, like horses in this case), 

{ " Give thanks. " }

Do you ever just thank the Lord for waking you up every morning, for giving you a brand new day? Are you ever thankful that the grass is green, and the sky is blue? Do you ever look up at the sky and think about what an awesome, and powerful God we have? Do you ever just tell your kids you love them, just because you can? Do you ever thank your parents for loving you despite the fact that there were probably many times they may have wanted to just give up on you? Do you ever look around and wonder how people are struggling through this life without the hope you have?

As I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, whilst dad has yet another clinic appointment, I was thankful. Sometimes it is hard to be thankful in the midst of trial. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be anything to be thankful for.  But, as Christians we always have something to be thankful for. Some of the people passing through that hospital may think they have nothing to be thankful. They may just go through life, because they have to. Some of them might be alone, and have no one to turn to in the midst of pain, and sadness. Others have family, friends, and people to support them. But, how many have what we have? We have a hope that only people who know and love Jesus Christ can have. We have security in the fact that He will always be there for us. We always have something to be thankful for.

There are even small things we can be thankful for each day. Like a pair of slippers (which is something I am very thankful for!). Or perhaps the way the sun shines, or the way the rain glistens on the green grass. I have always been someone who enjoys the little things in life. Try every day for the next month to write down one thing you're thankful for. Something different every day. It could vary from the roof over your head, to a passage of scripture you read that day. 

Life might seem like a mess sometimes, but it sure is a beautiful one. And, there are countless things to be thankful for. Don't you think? 

Remember to enjoy the little things, and be thankful every day. 

In Christian love,