{ " His Pain, Should Have Been Mine " }

I was able to attend the Women of Faith conference with a group of ladies this weekend, and I had a great time. I was completely overwhelmed by the thousands of ladies that were there, but at the same time I was astonished. I don't always remember that there are so many Christians around us! I probably walk by women (and men) in the store all the time that are believers, and we just don't know it.

At the end of the day I was exhausted, but I enjoyed spending time with the ladies, and having good Godly fellowship. The closed the day with the last session that was all about the life of Jesus. They showed some clips from the television series, The Bible, then some of the women read some scripture to go along with each scene. So, they started out with the scene of Jesus' birth, then followed with him raising Lazarus from the dead. Next came the crucifixion scene. Hearing about the crucifixion of Christ is hard. But, it should be, shouldn't it? I wanted to close my eyes during this scene, and plug my ears, ignoring it when He struggled to carry the cross, and when they beat Him, and He cried out in agony it echoed in my ears. It was graphic, it was realistic, and it was so painful to see. I felt my heart breaking as I watched, something I had never seen laid out before me. I had read, and heard about His crucifixion, but I had never seen it like this, right before my eyes. All of those lashes, all of that humiliation, all of that pain was meant for me. It hit me like a bullet, straight into my heart. I couldn't stop the tears, I couldn't stop the way my throat was filled with sobs, or the way my heart ached mercilessly. I felt this conviction wash over me as I was reminded once again that He shed His innocent blood for me. He died on that tree, for me. He willingly gave His life, and lived on earth being rejected, being despised, and being humiliated on that tree, for me. Jesus paid it all, and I owe everything to Him. He took that crown of thorns, He took the beating, He took those three wicked nails... and He took them all for me. He took them to give me the most incredible gift anyone could ever give. He took so much suffering to give me life.  He did His Father's will, and He took my punishment upon Himself, when I am sinner who deserves nothing but hell. I fail Him every day, and everyday He loves me despite my sin. He forgives me, He pours His mercy out upon me, and He carries me when I'm weak. He loves me, and He loved me so much that He gave His life for me. We can never be thankful enough for this gift.
My perfect all powerful Lord and Savior, died for imperfect little me. He died for a wretch like me.

"26 Then he released Barabbas to them; and when he had scourged Jesus, he delivered Him to be crucified.

27 Then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole garrison around Him. 28 And they stripped Him and put a scarlet robe on Him. 29 When they had twisted a crown of thorns, they put it on His head, and a reed in His right hand. And they bowed the knee before Him and mocked Him, saying, “Hail, King of the Jews!” 30 Then they spat on Him, and took the reed and struck Him on the head. 31 And when they had mocked Him, they took the robe off Him, put His own clothes on Him, and led Him away to be crucified.

32 Now as they came out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name. Him they compelled to bear His cross. 33 And when they had come to a place called Golgotha, that is to say, Place of a Skull,34 they gave Him sour wine mingled with gall to drink. But when He had tasted it, He would not drink.

35 Then they crucified Him, and divided His garments, casting lots, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet: “They divided My garments among them, And for My clothing they cast lots.'" -- Matthew 27:26 - 35

"When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, 'It is finished:' and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost." -- John 19:30

But, He didn't stay dead. The next scene was when Mary found the empty tomb. At that scene tears of joy flowed from my eyes, because He conquered the grave for me. He rose again on the third day, just as He said. Isn't it amazing? The perfect Lord of Heaven loved you enough to die for you.

"But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre. And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain. And they say unto her, 'Woman why weepest thou?' She saith unto them, because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him. And when she had thus said, she turned and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus. Jesus saith unto her, 'Woman, why weepest thou?' She supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have carried him away, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away. Jesus saith unto her, 'Mary.', She turned herself and saith unto him 'Rabboni;" which is to say, Teacher. Jesus saith unto her, "Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my breathern and say unto them, I ascend unto my father, and your father; and to my God, and your God." -- John 20:11 - 18

Knowing this should motivate us even more to live for Him with every single ounce of our being. He made Himself a ransom for us, so we should seek to serve Him in every way possible.

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." -- Mark 10:45 

{ " a real life hero. " }

Heroes aren't always what you see in Disney movies. In fact, that is an unrealistic interpretation of heroes. I know a real hero... that hero is my dad.

I can honestly say that my dad is the best father I have ever met. (I was going to say, "best father I have ever had"... but, that wouldn't have done him any justice.) Sure, he has made mistakes, but hasn't everyone? No, he's not perfect, but... is anyone perfect? There has never been a moment in my life that I can remember when my dad gave up on providing for his family, or showing his family his love. He has gone through many trials, or interruptions, throughout the more recent years, trials that I recall him going through. Like having a seizure in late 2010, and being out of work for a while, then losing his oldest son in November of 2010, then losing his own dad in January of 2011.

This year has by far been the longest of those trials, and the largest of interruptions. Throughout his pain, and suffering I have never heard my dad once question God. Maybe he questioned His timing (don't we all sometimes?), but he never questioned God Himself. I will say right now that my daddy is the strongest man I know. Throughout this last year I have seen him go through things that most people would lose hope after. I have seen him sick, I have seen him healthy, I have seen him happy, and I have seen him sad. Going to visit him in the hospital during chemo treatments was so hard for me, because I wasn't used to seeing him like that... weak, and fragile looking. I was used to seeing my healthy, full-of-life-dad, who always had a smile on his face, and was always cracking a joke. It broke my heart to see the strongest man I knew, the man I loved so very much, look weak, and to know he was suffering.

But let me tell you something, despite being sick, being weak, and being afraid, he never gave up. It would be so easy to give up in a situation like that, to be told you have Leukemia, and just to decide it was the end of your life. It would be so simple to just throw everything away and say you were done. But, he never did. He never, ever gave up, and I know he never will. No matter how hard things get, and how foggy the future may seem... he will always keep pushing forward, and he will always keep trusting in our Almighty God. Even when he was weak, he was still strong for all of us. He just kept pressing on, and I know he's not going to stop.

We don't know what's on the road ahead of us, but I know that my daddy is never going to stop until he gets where he's supposed to be.

Just so you know dad, you're my hero, and I hope someday when I may go through trials like yours, I remain strong, and keep my eyes fixed upon Jesus, like you do. And, that I never give up.

{ " the dark, before the morning. " }

Everyone knows what pain feels like. Whether that pain is mental, or physical pain, we all know what it feels like. Actually, we all know what physical, and mental pain feel like. Even the youngest child can experience physical, and emotional pain. Sometimes we don't always understand why we feel pain. Sure, if you slam your head against the top bunk of your bunk bed (which I do far too often) you will not wonder why your head is then pounding. I mean emotional, or mental pain. Sometimes we just don't  understand why that pain is there. I have had this ache in my heart at times in my life, that I wonder why it's there. This pain that seems to just linger, and sometimes it gets worse, sometimes it fades away. It always seems to show up at the worst of times. Sometimes it's that ache that causes you to feel hollow, and completely alone even though you're in a crowded room. It's the way you have to hold back tears, and you're just silently hoping someone will see the pain behind your smile. That is a pain that you wonder why you ever have to feel. I guess it's human to wonder why we feel pain at all, but without feeling pain, we wouldn't know what joy feels like.

You know how after night time, there is always day time? Even if the sun isn't out, there is light. After the dark, comes the light. The light might not be bright right away, but it comes. The pain that we feel, as Christians, can't compare to the joy that will come in the future. So, every time you feel an overwhelming pain, remind yourself that it doesn't last forever. Every storm runs out of rain, night eventually turns into day, and God knows exactly what He's doing. God has a reason for giving us painful situations in life, and allowing us to experience things that cause us heartache. He has a reason for this, His reason is to strengthen us, and to draw us closer to Himself. Pour your burdens out to Him, tell Him you're hurting, and why, even though He already knows. Even if others might think the reason your heart is aching is "silly" or senseless. He understands all of our pain, and knows what heartache feels like too. He won't just brush us aside like we don't matter, and leave us feeling lonely. He will reveal to us the reason for our heartache, it might take awhile, but someday we'll know the reason.

So, if you're overwhelmed with emotional or physical pain, just hang on there's always dark before the morning.


"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." -- Romans 8:18

In Christian love,

{ " three years is only a heartbeat " }

I was able to visit someone very special on Monday, and I enjoyed every minute of my visit.

October 14, 2013

I contacted Jack about visiting Blessings Farm to have my graduation photos taken with Trixie. I figured it was about time to update the photos I have of myself with her from about eight years ago.

December 2005

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ride there felt so much longer than it ever had, but maybe it was because I was mulling over memories, and wondering what I may have missed over the last three years. 

When we arrived I noted two new horses in the upper paddock, and another little "shelter" for them too. The walk down to the barn is now paved, so it doesn't have to be a walk, but could be a drive now. (That walk is still a killer though.) They expanded the lower paddock, and just about doubled it. I didn't notice that at first, but when I went to found Trixie I realized I had to search for her through the woods! Anyways, the barn was just about the same. Trixie's tack is still in the same place in the tack room, and her stall is still the same stall. As I headed out to find Trixie out in the, now massive, paddock I was followed by a Biscuit, who trailed behind me almost the whole way. I was pleasantly surprised with the fact that my absolute favorite crazy animal Juice is still there, and was just as frisky as I had remembered. When I greeted him he was kind enough to butt me in the stomach and then just continue eating like nothing had ever happened. He was always so polite. *eyeroll* This was when I realized the paddock seemed to go on for days, and I had to practically hike through the woods to locate Trixie. I was greeted by sweet old Abi, before I finally found Trixie. Upon finding her I admit to having tears prick in my eyes, but I told myself it would be silly to cry. She came to me when I called her name, and she rested her head against my chest, just like she used to when I was little. I gave her a nice long hug, before walking her back to the barn. I didn't really have to lead her, she just followed. I'm aware that she probably follows just about everyone, but the fact that she was there following me again just like she used to, warmed my heart. I spent a good amount of time grooming her, while Laura played around with my camera. 

At first I had this fear that I wouldn't remember how to do anything... But it was all so natural. I knew which brushes to use, where to use them, how to pick up the feet. Everything was like I had never stopped doing it.

I brought her into the arena for some photos, but we decided not to take any in there. Before we went back into the paddock I ran around with her for a little while. It was so much fun, but reminded me that I'm extremely out of shape. 

After taking all of our photos I let her go off to munch some more, and I didn't feel sad leaving. I felt at ease, because I'm not planning on staying away for three years again. I can't wait to spend more time with her, and make up for the time lost. I realized that three years was only a heartbeat...

I was so thankful to be welcomed back with open arms, and open barn doors. 

I'm just going to enjoy every moment I get to spend with her, and keep being thankful for all I am blessed with. 

Enjoy the little things (and the big things, like horses in this case), 

{ " Give thanks. " }

Do you ever just thank the Lord for waking you up every morning, for giving you a brand new day? Are you ever thankful that the grass is green, and the sky is blue? Do you ever look up at the sky and think about what an awesome, and powerful God we have? Do you ever just tell your kids you love them, just because you can? Do you ever thank your parents for loving you despite the fact that there were probably many times they may have wanted to just give up on you? Do you ever look around and wonder how people are struggling through this life without the hope you have?

As I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, whilst dad has yet another clinic appointment, I was thankful. Sometimes it is hard to be thankful in the midst of trial. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be anything to be thankful for.  But, as Christians we always have something to be thankful for. Some of the people passing through that hospital may think they have nothing to be thankful. They may just go through life, because they have to. Some of them might be alone, and have no one to turn to in the midst of pain, and sadness. Others have family, friends, and people to support them. But, how many have what we have? We have a hope that only people who know and love Jesus Christ can have. We have security in the fact that He will always be there for us. We always have something to be thankful for.

There are even small things we can be thankful for each day. Like a pair of slippers (which is something I am very thankful for!). Or perhaps the way the sun shines, or the way the rain glistens on the green grass. I have always been someone who enjoys the little things in life. Try every day for the next month to write down one thing you're thankful for. Something different every day. It could vary from the roof over your head, to a passage of scripture you read that day. 

Life might seem like a mess sometimes, but it sure is a beautiful one. And, there are countless things to be thankful for. Don't you think? 

Remember to enjoy the little things, and be thankful every day. 

In Christian love, 

{ " mission accomplished " }

The last seven months have been a roller coaster, for many reasons. One of them was the fact that I got my permit in early February. It was a decision I had made mostly on my own. I had not even thought seriously about getting my permit until dad was in the hospital. I then realized how much easier things would be if I had already had my license. Or rather, how helpful it would be if I had had my license. So I read the driver's manual in two weeks, and when I finished I went to get my permit. After I passed the test, the "training" began. Suzy, who has always been like the-big-sister-I-never-had, offered to teach me how to drive. This was a huge blessing! So over the last seven months she has spent time, and money on teaching me how to drive. I am so thankful to her. I was not a good driver in the beginning. But, how many people can say they were good at driving the first time they ever drove? Not many. So, my first time driving consisted of me just about hyperventilating, pulling over several times, and Suzy practically having to steer. Yeah, not exactly a fun time. Then again, I had never driven a car before. I was used to the ride-on lawn mower, which you had to practically put your entire body into in order to turn the wheel. So, driving a car was a complete change for me. Suzy told me that if I could ride a horse like I can, that I could most definitely drive a car. I didn't believe that for quite a while. The day I first drove on the highway I panicked. I drove with white knuckles, my eyes fixed on the road, and I was probably grinding my teeth. It was absolutely terrifying. Probably a month after that I drove all the way to Wrentham, that was an accomplishment. They were even doing work on the highway, which meant for a good ten minutes there were no lines on the road. That was a little terrifying at first, but was good practice for staying on my side of the road even without lines. I had a few moments when I wanted to give up, and never wanted to drive again. Normally it was after I made mistakes. I was easily discouraged when driving, and quite nervous after a few minor mistakes. I never hit anything, never killed anyone, and never got pulled over. So, I guess that's pretty good. (*chuckles*) As you may already know, or have already guessed, I did not take a driver's education course. Which is a killer on my insurance, but it was a decision we had made.

I tried to schedule my road test in early August, but the appointments were completely filled up. There were absolutely no appointments until early September. So, I waited. At first I wasn't very happy with the fact that I would have to wait a month longer... but, then I reminded myself that God's timing is perfect. I have to remind myself of that once in a while. I finally was able to schedule an appointment for the second week in September. So I set the date. September 10th at 11:00AM. Leading up to my appointment we had many hours of practice, and many many times attempting to parallel park. The day before my test we drove around Southbridge for quite a while, and I practiced parallel parking until we were both about ready to cry. It was quite a stressful event for some reason.

On Tuesday we arrived early for my test, and I wasn't nervous. I was determined to pass, but prepared to fail. Note the word wasn't. At the time of our arrival I thought I was going to be able to keep my nerves hidden. Well... that didn't last long. As soon the police woman came into the building I felt my heart jump, then beat so rapidly that it was causing my head to feel a little bit light. We went out to the car for the pre-test, and that did not go well. I didn't know where anything was located in the car I was driving, I turned on the wrong turn signal, and then I couldn't get the emergency brake to release. Oh what fun! So, we headed out for the test. It was so nerve wracking. First of all, driving in Southbridge is not ideal in my opinion. I can't even imagine driving in Boston... Anyways, I made it fine, until the parallel parking. I was amazed that she let me try more than once. On the fourth try I made it into the spot, and not on top of the sidewalk. I thought for sure after the pre-test, and that horrible parallel parking, that she would fail me. (All in all, I never want to take another road test, ever again.) So, we got back to the RMV parking lot, and I was shaking like a leaf. I think I may have been holding my breath too. She talked to me kindly, and told me the reason she kept having me parallel park is, because she could tell I knew exactly what I was doing. She said there's a difference between nervousness, and inexperience. She said I clearly had experience, and I was just extremely nervous. I was prepared for her to slap the "Fail" sticker on my forehead. When the words, "But, I'm going to pass you anyways." came out of her mouth, I was in total shock. I actually burst into tears, which most people are going to think is stupid... but, I was so relieved. I was so happy I couldn't hold it in. She left with a smile, and telling me to drive safely. It took me a while to gather myself, as I was laughing and crying at the same time. I realize that if it was not for the Lord's hand upon me, and the situation, I would have failed. I can't imagine having done it without Him.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

I give God all of the glory for my success, and for this great accomplishment.
Having my license means I can serve my family in many more ways, which is what it was all about.

In Christian Love,
Jane Ashley

{ " I must tell Jesus " }

 "I must tell Jesus all of my troubles;
He is a kind, compassionate Friend;
If I but ask Him, He will deliver,
And in my griefs with me He will blend.

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
I cannot bear my burdens alone;
I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus.
Jesus can help me, Jesus alone."

I hadn't heard this hymn in quite some time, and my aunt was walking around the house singing it on Wednesday before they headed off for home. It's contagious, because now I've been singing it for quite some time. Over and over again.

I got to thinking about this song, and the meaning of it. Even though the Lord knows all of our troubles, and even though He knows when we are hurting, He still wants us to cry out to Him. He wants us to lean on Him. He wants us to tell Him all of our troubles despite the fact that He already knows them all. I know for a fact that we can not bear our burdens alone. Whether that burden is something small in everyone's eyes, but something huge in yours... We can't bear any burdens alone. It is far too painful to have to bear our burdens by ourselves, no matter how hard we try to rely on our own strength it fails. Man's strength is nothing compared to God's incredible and awe-striking strength. We can not even measure His strength! Your burdens will weigh you down more and more every day, they will cause your heart to grow weary, and your every step to be weak. They cause you to feel like you're drowning in a world that doesn't seem to care. We can not hold our burdens alone for too long or they will cause us to break, and to crumble. Instead we need to drop to our knees at the throne of grace and ask the Lord, who is mighty in all that He does, to bear our burdens with us. Some people look at me, and they say, "Wow, you're so strong." But, in reality, I am weak. My own strength is nothing, I myself am not strong. The Lord is who makes me strong. I rely on His strength every day. If I didn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. I give all the credit of who I am, and the strength I have to the Lord. His strength is made perfect in my weakness, for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Isaiah 40:28-31
 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

In Christian Love, 
Jane Ashley