{ " Fear " }

"Do not fear, for I am with you; 
Do not anxiously look about you, For I am your God. 
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. 
Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
~ Isaiah 41:10

I am writing about fear today, because to be quite honest, I'm feeling rather afraid.
I have been applying for part-time jobs during the past week, and none of them looked very promising, until now. I have applied for four jobs, and I have already received one email letting me know that I'm not needed for the position I wanted for one job. I wasn't too bummed about that, because it wasn't my first pick anyways. I was applying for another job online last night, but I noticed that they application needed my social security number, so I asked dad what I should do. We decided that I should just swing by the store, and ask for an application there. The manager happened to be there, and I talked to him. He was very impressed by the fact that I hesitated putting my social security number in on the online application. I took a paper application home with me, and filled it all in last night. So, I brought it by today, and the manager was actually outside when I got there. He recognized me immediately, and told me he had just been talking about me with the co-manager. I was very confident, until I met the co-manager. Let me tell you, men kind of make me nervous to begin with, and this guy was no exception. He made me feel like finding somewhere to hide. He was very short with me, and he didn't even offer a smile. I'm hoping the manager couldn't see how nervous I had immediately become when meeting the co-manager. I hate to say it, but he just wasn't a very pleasant person. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself in front of him, and I ended up stumbling over my words, and shaking his hand with my pen in my hand. It definitely wasn't a great first impression, on either end. I realized I wasn't even able to tell him what days are best for me to work, and what hours. I think I just answered "yes" to everything he asked me, because I felt paralyzed. He told me they would call me, and that was about it. It was like going from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds. Hopefully my nervousness wasn't too evident.

I was filled with excitement, and anticipation when applying for jobs, and now that it's finally looking promising, I was feeling terrified! Is that normal? I'm still excited, but there is fear lingering in the pit of my stomach. Growing up is fun, and scary at the same time. Putting myself out there for speculation, and judgement is very scary. I'm not used to being looked at from every aspect, and being considered for something so important.

I spent most of the afternoon worrying about this possible job, when one of my favorite verses came to mind. That verse is Isaiah 41:10. I had no reason to feel afraid, or anxious. I have a great God who will strengthen me, and uphold me no matter what might frighten, or intimidate me! I was reminded that I shouldn't let my nerves get the best of me, because the Lord tells me not to fear. It is so much easier to fear, than to trust though. When you think about it, it takes a lot more effort to actually trust than it does to just give up in fear. I'm going to try my hardest to trust, and not to fear. Maybe the Lord brought this person into my life to strengthen me, and to show me that He is in control when I'm afraid. Maybe I won't even get this job, and I'll move on searching for others, but at least I can go on to the next with more confidence, and trust!

So, even though it's easier to fear; don't. God is in control, and He will always uphold you.

{ " Pour Out Your Heart " }

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; 
Pour out your heart before Him. 
God is a refuge for us." 
~ Psalm 62:8

Do  you ever have something on your heart, that seems to be weighing it down? Something so heavy that you feel as if you can barely even feel your heart beating anymore? I know I have. Sometimes it's something so heavy, and so hard to explain, that we hold it in. I often let things weigh heavily on my heart before I even speak of them. Sometimes I never let them leave my heart. I just let the weight grow heavier, and heavier. I let the pain burrow deeper, and deeper, until eventually, it becomes numb. I find that we often hold in our own worries, and sorrows, to keep from upsetting others. Maybe we see our friends going through struggles, or hardships, and we think that our struggles aren't worth mentioning. We fear that people will grow tired of hearing us pour our hearts out onto their plate, and giving them more to rest on their shoulders.

Well... There's someone who will never get tired of hearing us pour our hearts out. That someone is our heavenly Father. We can tell Him everything, and anything that is weighing on our hearts, and He hears. He doesn't just hear, He listens. Not everyone can truly listen, some people only hear us. God listens. He sees every tear that falls, knows everything we think, and He hears us no matter how quiet our whisper may be. Sometimes when you're pouring your heart out, words don't even escape your mouth. You don't even have to speak to pour your heart out to the Lord, He already knows what's buried deep inside, which is both encouraging, and convicting.

So, if you're ever feeling burdened, and like you just need to pour out your heart... Remember the One who is always there to hear you, and be your refuge.

{ " Sometimes Loving Hurts " }

Pain is something no one likes.
In fact, it's something most of us try to avoid completely. We try to push away things that might cause us pain, and we with often do everything we can to avoid painful situations.We practice hiding our feelings, hiding our pain, in hope that it will make us seem stronger.

Guess what; it won't.

There's this thing about pain, physical, or emotional, it needs to be felt, in fact, it demands to be felt.
Emotional pain (along with physical pain) often has the power to weaken us, and to overtake us.
It can cause us to stumble, cause us to stew in a pot of overwhelming emotion. It can cause us to say, and do things we don't mean. At some point, we're just going to explode. I am guilty of holding in emotions until I just completely burst. It is something I have done too many times, and I regret every one of those times.

If we live in a way in which we are constantly trying to avoid pain, we will never truly live, and never truly love. People hurt other people. Sometimes it's an accident, sometimes it's deliberate. When it's deliberate, it is one of the most agonizing pains. Especially when that person is someone we love. If we avoid people at all costs, in fear of being hurt, we'll never experience what it is like to love someone, or be loved by someone. If you've been deeply hurt by someone, you know what it's like to love someone. I'm the type of person who loves everyone. I've always been that way. The other person might not know it, but it's there. I might not be the best at showing it at times, but I have a compassion toward people, that sometimes causes my own heart to be broken. I can't not love people. I guess I could say: I 'fall in love' (not in a romantic, fairy tale way - so don't worry) with people, in a sense. I grow attached to people quickly, I love their ups, their downs, their quirks, and I accept them despite their mistakes. I like to learn people, and listen to people. So, that also makes me the type of person who tends to want to push people away, in fear of 'falling' for them too quickly, and in turn, being hurt. No, I am not trying to say that I love everyone no matter what they do.
I'm saying, I have had my fair share of hurt, because I give little pieces of my love away too easily. I know what it's like to have heartache for others. That heartache might not always be caused by other people, but it could be connected to that person. People you love moving away, moving on, or even passing away... It can all cause pain. Pain we can't do anything about. It can cause a crippling ache in our hearts, something we think we can't get past. We shed many tears, and sleepless nights go by, but we don't stop loving. Loving people is definitely worth the pain. I guess it's kind of like when they say if we didn't experience pain, we wouldn't know what joy felt like. If we didn't experience heartbreak, or heartache, we wouldn't know how wonderful it feels to love, and be loved.

In the end: I think we can all look back, and be thankful for the times we were hurt, or pushed away. It opens our eyes to other things, and people we often put on the back burner. It also makes us a little bit stronger for the next one, and shows us that it's possible to move on.

{ " Change. " }

I don't know if I have written on this topic before, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
That is the topic of

change.

A lot of things change. Places change, people change, circumstances change, and we change. People walk in, and out of our lives. Our heartaches change, and our joys change. Our dreams change, even our hearts change.
Pretty much everything changes... Everything except one person.

God. 

No matter how much things around us change, He never will.
My life has changed a lot throughout the past few years. If you had asked me in 2012 if my life would change as much as it has during the last two years I would have not even had a clue. If you had sat me down, and told me all of the changes that were going to take place in my life, I probably would have just looked at you like you were a little bit off your rocker. I may have even laughed. (I like to laugh, you know.) Even as I look back now, I can't believe how much things have changed. I can't believe how much I have changed. It kind of seems like nothing ever stays the same. Things can change for better, and for worse. Sometimes we don't like how things change, and sometimes we wish they would! I know there were a lot of things in my life that I wished would have happened differently, and that I wish I could have changed. I guess what I'm getting at is, even though everything might seem uncertain, and our circumstances might be constantly changing, we have a solid rock that we can stand on. God never ever changes. He never has, and never will. To quote one of my very favorite hymns:

"Yesterday, today, forever Jesus is the same, all may change but Jesus never! Glory to his name!"

I have taken great comfort in the fact that even though my life might be turned upside down, my Lord is always going to be the same. I can always run to Him with my heartaches, my joys, and my hopes. He is someone I can always count on, because He will never change.

Isn't that such an encouragement in this every changing, ever turning world?
I think so.

{ " His Great Love " }

I have been thinking a lot about love lately. The way we love others, the way others love us. Then most importantly of all, the way God loves us. Do you ever just stop to remember how much God loves His children? No one is ever going to love us as much as He does. He gave His Son for us, that is how much He loves us. That is an incredible amount of love. We can't even fathom that love.

At church yesterday we sang a hymn called, "The Love of God".
It has been one of my favorites for quite some time, and it is a great reminder of the fact that we really can't measure God's love. It is just so unfathomable...

The whole hymn can be found here at Cyber Hymnal.
My favorite verse is the very last verse;

"Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky."

Some of my favorite verses on God's unfathomable, incredible love are from Psalm 36. 

5) Your lovingkindness, O LORD, extends to the heavens, Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. 6) Your righteousness is like the mountains of God; Your judgments are like a great deep. O LORD, You preserve man and beast. 7) How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. ~ Psalm 36:5-7

I hope this short blurb was encouraging to someone today. 
I know it encourages me greatly to be reminded of how much God loves me! 

{ " time is priceless. " }

I was able to have a wonderful chat with a lady at church who is very dear to my heart. We were talking about how amazing it is that the time has gone by so fast this past year.

 Dad is almost at day 100 post transplant... and it has been 10 months since his diagnosis of Leukemia. I can't even believe that. I feel like it was just yesterday that mom told me to call Mrs. Kinney, because she was calling 911 when she couldn't wake daddy up. It was absolutely terrifying. I remember it all clear as day. I don't think I've ever tried so hard to pretend I wasn't terrified. I stayed in my room with Abigail and Truman, quietly packing as they played as if nothing was happening. Truman noticed the police officer at some point and we talked about police officers being good people, and that they were here to help daddy. They weren't here to hurt anyone, and he was going to help us out. I can still feel the fear that was welling up in my heart, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away when I remember that night. Amelia and Kyle came as soon as mom and the EMTs were heading out the door with dad. They stayed with us for a little bit until the Kinney kids arrived to pick us up. Pastor Kinney was on his way to meet mom at the hospital, and Mrs. Kinney was waiting for us at their house. The ride to their house was somewhat torturous. I held myself together for as long as I could, before at their home, in the bathroom, I finally broke. I was scared. I don't think I had ever been that scared in my life. It had taken all of my being not to burst into tears as soon as we arrived at their house, or as soon as I got in the car for that matter. I couldn't sleep that night, but I don't think anyone could. When mom and Pastor Kinney returned to the house at about 3:00AM I had only been sleeping for a short time. I switched beds, and headed into Alyssa's room. I was so tired I didn't have the energy to be afraid. I barely had the energy to cry. So I prayed. I remember silently crying out to the Lord, pleading to Him, begging Him to let me keep my daddy longer.

The next day was long, but we made the best of it. Everyone had brought their school to the Kinney's house, so all of the kids were schooling. Alyssa had the little girl she babysat over, so Truman and Abigail were preoccupied with her. We had Prayer Meeting that night, and I struggled to get through the evening. When we arrived at the Kinney's after Prayer Meeting mom told me about the fact that the doctors suspected dad had Leukemia. All I had known about Leukemia was the movie, A Walk To Remember in which the girl passes away in the end (sorry for the spoiler). So having that thought in my mind I thought that was all that was going to happen.

Praise the Lord that's not always the case, and I have my daddy becoming stronger with each passing day.

Through these months I have learned more about life that I had ever known. I not only learned about Leukemia, and physical life, but I also learned that life is truly beautiful. I don't think I had a real appreciation for life. I think I just lived it. When you're young you don't really think about time. You just live. Then all of a sudden you grow up (or grow older in my case ;)), and time is just the blink of an eye. Maybe some days feel long, but when you look back and 10 months have gone by, in a flash... You realize in reality the days were short. I have watched my family grow, and felt myself grow.

The fact that time goes by so quickly should cause us to want to truly live, and live right. We should not just want to live however we want. We should want to give our whole being to the Lord, and trust Him with every aspect of our lives. Sometimes we wish we could have yesterday back, and today seems to slip away faster than we can grab a hold of it. But, tomorrow is brand new. Every breath we breathe is a gift so don't waste it. God is the one who supplies our every breath, supports our every step, and keeps our heart beating. We need to remember that, and in turn give our lives back to Him, because He so mercifully gives them to us. You wouldn't just throw away a beautifully wrapped gift from a best friend, so why would you want to throw away the life the Almighty Creator designed especially for you?

Looking back on this year made me realize how quickly time goes by, and that life is truly just a vapor. We need to live for Jesus while we have the chance to live. Don't hold back in proclaiming His name, and telling people what He has done in your life. He's still allowing us to breathe for a reason, and that is to proclaim His great name.

Life is beautiful, so enjoy every moment!

{ " my friend, you are never alone. " }

This post is for a friend who is very near and dear to my heart.

Sometimes in times in our lives we feel lost, we feel lonely, and we feel broken hearted. Sometimes we feel completely alone, as if no one in the world is on our side. At times it seems like we don't fit in, and we are part of a totally different planet. No one seems to understand how we are feeling, or why we keep our heartaches to ourselves. But, we do. We do it all for a reason, and it stinks to have that feeling... that lonely feeling that settles in our hearts. Sometimes we are put somewhere we don't quite understand, we're given trials we don't really want to bear. Sometimes things seem like they're falling apart, and everything seems to change in the blink of an eye. We once again get that lonely feeling, like no one understands. Maybe no one does, maybe our heartache is something no one we know has ever experienced before. It might be something we never want anyone else to feel, no one wants to feel lonely, and no one ever should. Even though we're surrounded by people, we still have that lonely ache in our tender, humanly hearts. It hurts. But, sometimes feelings lead us astray, and they aren't true.

Guess what... We're not alone. We are never alone. We have the greatest, most powerful, most loving Friend anyone could ever ask for. There is no one on earth who can understand us like this Friend. That Friend is our perfect, all knowing God. He loves us beyond measure, and is the only one who can fully understand the pain that we've been feeling. He made certain things in our lives seem as if they were falling apart, but He is building something incredible with those pieces. He is drawing us closer to Himself with every heartache, every trial. Through our loneliness we cling to the One who is strong in our weakness, and who loves us no matter how much we feel like no one does. Feelings are not always true, but God is always true. He is always there, and always does what is right.

Just remember, even though you might feel alone, you're not. You're never ever alone. There is always that Friend who hears your every cry, knows your every heartache, and loves you beyond measure. He has a perfect plan for your life, and though it may take a while to figure it out... You will. Just hang on to the One who will hold you beneath His wings, and keep you in the shelter of His love.